![]() Some have come to expect it and are quick to let me know when I have forgotten, occasionally someone may feel my appreciation of them is insufficient currency and become resentful. Others reflect their appreciation for me – “I couldn’t have done it without you”. Some flush with embarrassment and say things like, “Not at all, it’s what I am here for”. When I remember to do it there are varying reactions. Regardless of what they do or earn, our roles in each other’s lives, I have a personal responsibility to express appreciation and gratitude, and I don’t always do it. When I am busy I forget to let the people around me know how much I appreciate them. This way, should either of you get a pay rise it translates to a pump in earnings for both of you.ĭoes your husband feel valued for what he contributes to your family life? You seem to feel that you are a team and you are happy to share, but does he know that? The balance left after all joint costs are covered is split equally between you, and what lands in your personal account belongs to you individually. You haven’t mentioned children, but this approach works really well for covering child-rearing costs as well. Both of you have your earnings paid into a joint bank account.Īll the costs of home, joint holidays and spending come out of that account. If you genuinely want to share the spoils of your labour then a couples’ finance approach might work better. Your careers may be less collegiate than theirs, but maybe you could take a lead from them and start thinking of yourselves as a team and describing yourselves as such. I know a couple who reply to the question “What do you do for a living?” with the answer “My husband/wife and I run a business and raise a family between us”. Isn’t the problem here how your husband is thinking and feeling about your comparative earnings? If so, then only he can actually address the problem at its root, but maybe there are some life hacks that make it easier for you as a couple to operate in a society not yet ready to give up gender-based judgments of you as individuals. You may intend to make your relationship better, but setting a trail of dishonesty in motion is more likely to undermine your long-term relationship, in my opinion – not to mention the fact that you deserve to be celebrated for what you are, rather than pretending to be less than that. It changes us, and that changes our relationships. ![]() ![]() It isn’t necessarily the actual lie or omission itself, but the many other things we end up doing and saying to corroborate the original deceit. In fact, I worry it will make it worse.ĭishonesty changes the fabric of a relationship. I am unconvinced that pretending you earn less will resolve anything. It is quite easy therefore to see where your husband may be getting the idea that traditional thinkers might judge him harshly. Research predicts we are 21 years away from gender pay parity in Britain, let alone dissolving centuries of cultural conditioning, according to the Trades Union Congress (TUC). It is a shame that the social stereotype of the man being the breadwinner means that your pay rise is causing anxiety, rather than being a reason to celebrate.
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